Sunday Mirror: Wish they'd double top themselves

I'M getting good at this predicting lark. Two weeks ago my crystal ball told me Golden Balls would score a goal to kill off the dwindling interest in Big Brother III.

Then last week Gypsy Rose Hyland's shroud of mysteries foretold that the sorry-assed Big Brother producers would somehow contrive to let the muppets watch England's World Cup progress.

Sure enough the inmates were rewarded for managing to do football keepie-uppies with a few minutes of England-Nigeria. But they're failing miserably at keep-me-uppies even though I'm still being paid to watch - no more 3am viewing for me.

Anyway you're probably dying to hear my prediction for this week? Well, Tamsin Outhwaite is going to ask me out for dinner. Nothing to do with Big Brother, I know - but hey, when you're on a roll.

Thing is, I can't predict what the producers are going to do now England are in the last eight. But you've got to admire their most recent bid last night. While most of the country was lagering it up bigtime, what gripping task were the chumps asked to perform in order to decide who goes behind the bars?

That's right, darts. Considering the desperate state of mind of half the goons left inside, I'm surprised they didn't request Russian Roulette - without the removal of any of the bullets.

Kate's already tried to top herself in the whirlpool bath after a few beers.

Meanwhile Big Brother producers are deliberating over whether to tell the baboons that one of the chickens has been put down in case it upsets them. Damn right. I'd be livid - how come the chicken gets the perks?