Long Island Business News: Commentary: It's time to hit the French where it hurts

OK. It's payback time. France has been giving America a hard time at the United Nations and hasn't been very good to us in years. Ever since the United States bought Louisiana for a bargain price, they have been angry. So let's figure out how we can get even by boycotting anything remotely connected to those stuck up fair- weather friends.

French fried potatoes, or "pomme frite" as they call it. They contain much too much starch and clog your arteries. McDonald's has taken the big step, and they now call theirs "McFries." Strike a blow for our government and dump the fries.

French toast. Every time I eat it I get heartburn. It is heavy going down and even drowning it with Vermont maple syrup doesn't make it any more palatable. Any breakfast meal that requires an antacid isn't worth it. It's time to give it up.

French twist. My daughters like to do their hair in that fashion as a way to copy Marie Antoinette. I have instructed them to stick to pony tails or just plain straight hair. It's time to wash those Frogs right out of your hair.

French bread-over in France they eat French bread twice a day. We pay a premium for their breads, instead of eating good old American made semolina bread. Knead them or not, give up French bread and all the carbohydrates that go with it.

French dressing. I rarely use it, and you shouldn't either. Italian herb dressing will give your salads some kick, and we won't be supporting those haughty Parisians.

Napoleons. Who would want to eat a pastry named after a loser? It's no secret that he wasn't a great genius and eventually was exiled to the island of Elba. Why eat a calorie-laden dessert, when you can support our economy by eating Krispy Kreme donuts?

French poodles. My wife's dog Frizbee was never my favorite to begin with. My neighbors tell me he has an attitude. I explain to them that he is a "French" poodle. So what do you expect? If you really care about America, buy a collie and call it Lassie.

Frog Legs. Can you think of a more disgusting dish? It is considered that country's chief delicacy, and they tell you it tastes like chicken. Have you ever spotted those things swimming in a dirty pond? Yuk! Give them up now and send the French a message.

"Pardon my French." How many times have you heard that expression? The people who use it don't speak French to begin with. It is usually used just prior to uttering an obscenity. Why not start your next conversation with "Pardon my English" as a tribute to British Prime Minister Tony Blair, a real F.O.B. (friend of Bush).

Brie. If anything will set the table for a massive coronary, it's those healthy doses of Brie. There are so many other cheeses that come from our NATO allies like mozzarella and Swiss cheese. Or how about just plain Kraft American cheese?

It's time to draw a line in the sand. And why let some of our other occasional friends off the hook? China, for instance. They want us to look the other way when they arrest protesting academics. And we reward them on Sunday nights when we send out for Chinese food.

How about those Russians? We give them interest-free loans and they threaten to veto our UN resolutions. Let them play Russian roulette and see how they like it.

We could go on and on, but you get the point. It's time to reward our friends and punish our enemies.