Chicago Sun-Times: Nothing says death like a gory celebrity cameo

This week's argument: "Six Feet Under" should take back Sunday night with more gore.

I've been pretty good about keeping up with HBO's "Six Feet Under" this season. After all, what's not to like? Homosexual threesomes, drug abuse, incest--and just enough discussion of art theory to make me feel smug about it all.

And then they lost me. The insidious phenomenon that is "The Bachelor" scheduled a couple of its episodes on Sunday night, and I was powerless. I was weak. I switched to network television.

At this point, I don't know if Nate is with Lisa, or Brenda, or back in the hospital with another brain tumor.

But I know how "Six Feet Under" could win me back. It's time to step up those opening death scenes, those random and tragic vignettes that set the tone for each episode. Apparently every actor in Hollywood is ... well, dying for one of the flashy roles. The producers should take advantage of the demand, and start aggressively stunt-casting with celebrity cameos.

After all, what actor can resist a juicy death scene--whether it's Greta Garbo wanly fading from this life in "Camille," or Shannon Elizabeth being decapitated in "Scary Movie"?

It wouldn't hurt to take it one step further, either. Why not have next season's unofficial theme be "the stupidest ways to die," as inspired by the Internet's Darwin Awards, which "honor those who improve our gene pool by removing themselves from it."

Some of this season's death scenes just didn't do it for me, dramatically speaking. Death by cancer? Death by nosebleed? They can do better.

Here are just a few suggestions, to help them get started:

Guest star: Fabio

Cause of death: Hit by a wayward goose while riding a roller coaster

Guest star: Brigitte Bardot

Cause of death: Runs into a burning house to save a pet Arabian hamster

Guest star: Robert Downey Jr.

Cause of death: Inadvertently shot by a woman in a Wonder Woman costume while high on cocaine

Guest star: Johnny Knoxville

Cause of death: Perishes when a homemade bungee cord gives out

Guest stars: The Olsen twins

Cause of death: Teen Russian-roulette experiment with a BB gun gone wrong

Guest star: Funny Cide

Cause of death: Chews off own leg during rock climbing accident

Guest star: Tara Reid

Cause of death: Slips and falls while streaking at a hockey rink

Guest star: Colin Farrell

Cause of death: Syphilis, complicated by a nasty cold sore

Guest star: Denis Leary

Cause of death: Explosion triggered by chain-smoking while filling up Mercedes SUV

Of course, none of this will work if "The Bachelor" catches on to the gimmick and starts killing off contestants to boost ratings. It seems like a drastic measure--but in some cases, it might be more merciful.