Evening Standard (London): Can you trust a man?

Yes

CONTRARY to popular belief, a safe and almost 100 per cent reliable form of male contraception has existed for many years and is used by thousands of men all over Britain, me included.

It's called school fees - or, for the more errant sort of male, the Child Support Agency. Once you've tried it, you won't ever want to play Russian Roulette with sex again.

The big problem with this method, of course, is that it's extremely expensive and very painful. So I'm sure I won't be the only married man to welcome the news of a new "male pill" which not only costs considerably less but whose only known side effect is that it actually increases your libido.

Better still, there's a version that comes in underthe-skin implant form, which means you'll never need to worry whether or not you've taken it. You're just there, primed and ready for baby-free action, 24/7, 365 days of the year. Groovy, baby.

I can imagine this method becoming especially popular with young couples in stable relationships who want to have unbridled, rampant sex at every opportunity, but yet want to spend at least a few more years clubbing, smoking and bumming about in Karnataka and Timbuktu before they have to start worrying about things such as infant health, nappies and babysitters.

Equally, I can guarantee that it will be a huge hit with fathers in my position: you've done your breeding (you know you can't afford any more children even if you wanted to) but you want to go on having unprotected, carefree sex like you did in the early days; you don't want your wife to go on the pill, with all its side effects, and you hate the cap. But you definitely don't want a vasectomy.

Why don't you want to get a vasectomy, even when you know they're fairly painless and reversible? First, because fairly painless isn't the same as totally painless (especially not where Down There is concerned).

Second, because of what vasectomy symbolises. It says you have renounced your primary function as a breeding machine. It says: "Bye bye stud. Hello yawning grave."

At least this new pill has a reassuring sense of impermanence about it. If you win the lottery or you remarry and want to start breeding again, you just stop taking it.

NO WAY

IT'S not fair! When the female contraceptive pill came on the market nearly 50 years ago, it was a fullblast hormonal assault on our system, with such charming side effects as headaches, facial hair and swollen breasts, as well as lifethreatening conditions such as thrombosis and breast cancer.

So does the new contraceptive pill for men bring something comparable-swollen testicles, say, plus baldness and piles? Not a bit of it.

The new wonder-jab, it seems, not only halts sperm production completely, with no side effects, but, according to one happily rutting guinea pig, it even increases the male libido.

Does this mean women all over the world can now lie back and think that contraception, like DIY shelving and changing the sparking plugs, is now a man's job?

If only. Even when presented with this easy option, most men will still refuse to take charge of birth control.

When it comes to sex, even in established relationships, it is much easier to play the blame game than the personal responsibility card. Men like to think that, in the end, the woman will have the baby so she should take the precautions.

Even child support laws and DNA tests have not stopped men from thinking that. Indeed, keeping the options a teeny bit open appeals to the instinctive gambler in the male psyche.

It's not that they want to end up with a galloping case of the clap, but clearly the chance that a lusty encounter might just lead to something momentous like a child, turns them on.

Taking a pill that puts an end to this kind of sweaty anxiety would spoil the fun.

The new pill must also compete with condoms, which for casual sexual congress are already a (fairly) wellestablished part of bedroom etiquette.

That suits many women just fine. It is hard to see the promise "I'm on the pill" replacing the satisfying certainty of high-quality latex - not least because condoms protect women from sexually transmitted diseases as well as unwanted pregnancies.

My partner Edward's generosity of spirit and concern for my wellbeing won't stretch to his rushing to Boots to buy the new contraceptive pill.

Ultimately, the reason men won't be queuing to pop the pill is the same reason that so few of them want to consider vasectomies. Even at the most subconscious level, they simply believe that the more mini- mes, the better.

To limit the number of offsprings bearing his genes would be to rob the world of its most brilliant, precious citizens.

Selfish or what?