Topeka Capital-Journal, The: Be proud of distinction; just don't say what it's for

Those of us who are from the Snidre school of statistical manipulation know that the numbers showing Topeka with the fifth- highest crime rate in the nation may be right, but only as long as it takes us to massage them a little.

The numbers are from the FBI, but what does the FBI know? This is the outfit that has J. Edgar Hoover's name on its headquarters building, and that tells you it doesn't always think things through before going public.

The order of finish in this race to see which city belongs on the cover of the Police Gazette had St. Louis first, followed by Orlando, Fla.; Atlanta; Kansas City, Mo.; and Topeka. Even a lowly clerk at the FBI, which I once was, should have been able to look at the list and say, "That can't be right."

An elevator lobby ID badge checker at the FBI, which I once was, should have seen the rankings and shouted, "Hold everything! There's something wrong here."

A fingerprint ridge counter at the FBI, which I once was, could have applied some simple geography to the violence sweepstakes Top Five and asked the question, "How can a 300-mile stretch of Interstate 70 through the heartland of the country, connecting sleepy St. Louis on the banks of the Mississippi, to Topeka, the quiet Queen City of the Kaw, possibly become Crime Street, USA?"

Anyone in the country outside of Washington, D.C., could look at the list and immediately ask, "How could the top five crime cities in the country not include Washington?"

They'd be right on the money. There's more crime on Capitol Hill in a week than there is in Topeka in a decade. If the FBI really wanted to clean up the nation's streets, it would start with Pennsylvania Avenue in Washington, and it could start at either end. The FBI's problem is that it doesn't want to admit it's sitting in the middle of the greatest crime wave in history, and can't stop it.

The ridiculously high rating, true or not, gives Topeka a black eye (to go along with its self-inflicted bloody nose and lacerated ears), but it's not all bad. Using the figures, I may be able to convince our children not to bring our grandchildren here to visit. Clearly, it's just not safe here.

Never mind that the mayor says she would not be afraid to walk the streets of Topeka after dark. She has an advantage over the rest of us. Why would any criminal want to do away with the mayor of a city where crime thrives?

Topeka Police Chief Dean Forster had the right idea. He knew the city has to live with the numbers, but that doesn't mean it can't shake them up and put an entirely new light on them. He knew something had to be done to make the numbers appear not to mean what they seem to mean, if you follow me.

What Chief Forster did was call in Deputy Chief Ed Klumpp, and it's easy to imagine what happened.

"Ed," he must have said, "would you like to take these figures and make them come out more favorable to the city and to the department, or would you rather start walking a night beat on East 6th Street?"

Klumpp must have thought that over carefully for a split second and then took the assignment.

It was a wise choice, because already he has made so much headway there was a rumor over the weekend that both St. Louis and Kansas City are trying to hire him away. Next thing you know, the FBI will hire him to put a better slant on Waco, Ruby Ridge and the raid on Elian's relatives.

Already his early reports show that while aggravated assaults jumped from 45 in 1998 to 1,057 in 1999, assaults by red-haired women on other red-haired women actually decreased last year, and assaults in which sand wedges were used as weapons also were down dramatically.

Klumpp was perplexed over the figures showing Gary, Ind., had five times more homicides than Topeka (75 to 15) but had more than 300 fewer aggravated assaults (721 to 1,057). The answer is that Gary is a steel town and police there don't count assaults unless a crowbar or a tire tool is used.

Klumpp's overall revision of the numbers put Topeka in seventh place, which is not bad --- not in the top five, but still in the top 10, which will please those who like to think this is a frontier city where men are men, and they carry a blackjack in their purses to prove it.

It's not often that Topeka can take its place among the top five in the country in any category, and I suppose we should be proud of the distinction.

So what if a few corporations and a few candy-bottoms decide not to locate here? They probably wouldn't like our city council anyway.

Dick Snider's e-mail address is dsnider@cjonline.com.