Chicago Sun-Times: ESPN family destined for messy divorce

These are 23 (more) facts, tried and true, about the widening world of sports television:

1. One day -- and something tells me this won't happen in my lifetime -- the breakup of ESPN will rival the breakup of the Soviet Union.

2. T-Mobile has a new cell-phone promotion: Couples talk free." To be honest, this doesn't sound like such a good idea.

3. Even though it's a medical improbability, I get a canker sore every time I watch I, Max."

4. You know that look Tony Soprano has when he emerges from bed after a night of bad dreams? I wake up that way every week after Big Monday."

5. The moment someone starts The Bowling Network, I'm a 24-7 shut- in.

6. If he gets any more irritating, Dr. Phil is going to wind up on Crossfire" or Around the Horn."

7. I recently stumbled across the wedding video from my first marriage and completely had forgotten that Charlie Jones did the play-by-play.

8. Who knew that the 'P" in ESPN stood for poker?

9. I will jump into Lake Michigan with a DVD player on my back before I watch a single nanosecond of The Amazing Race" or Aaron Brown.

10. Today: Nanny 911" on Fox. Tomorrow: Vitale 911" on ESPN.

11. Whenever he retires from sportscasting, you have to figure Craig Sager can parcel off his wardrobe on eBay.

12. Lately, I fancy Red Vines and Slim Jims, a k a The Dark Side of the Atkins Diet."

13. I saw Vince Cellini on The Golf Channel the other day. I thought he had left the country.

14. One of the times I was married, I had to put an Authorized Personnel Only" sign on the remote.

15. Tony Siragusa always looks like he's about to say something interesting. And then he opens his mouth.

16. Sooner or later, I wouldn't be surprised if ESPN buys the rights to the sunset.

17. I never have smoked marijuana, which, I believe, impairs my ability to appreciate Bill Walton.

18. Sometimes, at 2 or 3 in the morning, I'll stop on an infomercial if it looks like it has a good story line.

19. I crunched some numbers, and it wasn't pretty: Since 1970, I have spent 1,750 hours watching Monday Night Football" and 171/2 hours reading great literature.

19a. I crunched some other numbers, and it also wasn't pretty: Ahmad Rashad has spent more time in my living room than all of my spouses combined.

20. Oddly enough, I sometimes miss NBC Sports.

21. Camera phones are nice, but I'd prefer a microwave oven with TiVo.

22. The late Don Drysdale had a rule: You hit one of ours, I hit two of yours." I wish that applied to watching sports on TV.

23. If there's an afterlife, I'm assuming everything will be pay- per-view.

Ask The Slouch

Q. I watched Celebrity Blackjack" on the Game Show Network the other night -- with not one, but three Baldwin brothers -- and actually liked it. My question is simply: Why? (Jerry Nassan; Lincoln Park, N.J.)

A. Is there is a more dashing figure in American culture today than a Baldwin brother at a blackjack table? I think not.

Q. Is Dan Snyder cursed to become Al Davis East, albeit with a better taste in clothing? (Tim Charters; Springfield, Va.)

A. To become Al Davis East, Dan Snyder actually would have to win something first. But I'll say this for the Redskins' owner: He has a sharp eye for a nice suit.

Q. I see Illinois hired Ron Zook as its football coach. Is the Web site FireRonZook.com up and running again? (Brendan Walsh; Chicago)

A. I love it when readers do my job for me.

Q. My wife is buying me Yahtzee: Texas Hold 'Em Version" for Christmas. I have two couches. What are you doing over the holidays? (Mike Herold; Milwaukee)

A. I have to check my e-mail more often.

Q. Will Vinny Testaverde's Social Security count against the Cowboys' salary cap next season? (Roger Fierst; Cleveland)

A. Pay the man, Shirley.

You, too, can enter the $1.25 Ask The Slouch Cash Giveaway. E- mail asktheslouch@aol.com, and if your question is used, you win $1.25 in cash!