Chicago Sun-Times: Illinois is the Land of Lincoln and Pat Sajak

I'm a little surprised at all the fuss over the new Abraham Lincoln Presidential Library and Museum in Springfield. Holograms! Old books! Latex figures! But it's just not possible to make secession seem sexy, is it?

All right, Lincoln was a great guy. He abolished slavery (if a bit tentatively, acknowledged Sen. Barack Obama). He declared Thanksgiving to be a national holiday (but neglected to mandate a gift exchange). He admitted two states to the union (although I'm not sure I'd want West Virginia and Nevada on my resume).

But this land isn't your land or my land -- it's the Land of Lincoln. And now he has a $145 million library and museum on top of it all. Give some other worthy Illinoisans a chance, that's all I'm saying.

Who else deserves the museum treatment? And at a fraction of the price? Well, I'd be happy to chaperone educational field trips to the following:

THE PAT SAJAK MUSEUM AND FERRIS WHEEL OF FORTUNE

The lovely Vanna White greets fans at the door, and there are plenty of chances to play for "big money, big money!" inside this colorful casino. Wait, doesn't that blackjack dealer look familiar? Why, it's Dick Biondi, who gave Sajak his first break as a teen DJ!

Advance reservations are required for the Sunday group tours. You'll marvel at Farragut High School and Columbia College, where Sajak studied; the Palmer House Hilton, where Sajak worked as a desk clerk, and the 250-watt radio station in southeastern Kentucky where Sajak had the night shift. (Pack a brown-bag lunch.)

In the gift shop: Ceramic Dalmatians.

THE DOROTHY HAMILL MUSEUM AND ICE KAPADES

The Chicagoan and ice-skating champ deserves her Olympic due -- without giving short shrift to her groundbreaking '70s hairstyle. Just to the left of the Andy Williams retrospective will be a full- service beauty salon, featuring "Gee, Your Hair Smells Terrific!" shampoo.

Hamill bought the Ice Capades in 1991 but declared bankruptcy in 1994. So skating fans will triple-jump for the new, improved and non- trademarked Ice Kapades, featuring the strenuous ice stylings of Tonya Harding (who works for tips).

In the gift shop: Novelty ice-cube molds in the shape of the German judge.

THE GLORIA SWANSON MUSEUM AND SCREENING ROOM

What a woman. The silent movie star was born in Chicago in 1897, and is famous for her line from "Sunset Boulevard": "I am big. It's the pictures that got small." Obviously, this museum will have very, very large pictures. And "Airport 1975" on a video loop.

She was divorced five times, but married six, which makes her a role model for family values (but just barely). Her last husband, William Duffy, wrote a book, Sugar Blues, about the evil of sweetness. It was reportedly a favorite book of John Lennon's, who'd hand out copies like -- candy.

The most popular wing would no doubt be the Joe Kennedy exhibit. Museumgoers will thrill to the interactive replica of their Hollywood Hills love nest, and hear a wax figure of the bootlegger spout lines like, "Can I buy you a drink?"

In the gift shop: Cigarette holders.

THE DENISE RICHARDS MUSEUM AND SHELTER FOR IMPOVERISHED SINGLE MOTHERS

Her brief film career may have peaked with "Scary Movie 3," but the Downers Grove native is also the face that launched a thousand Us Weekly magazine covers -- and she has pioneered a new brand of hormonal feminism that is being embraced by young Hollywood. Now that Richards has asked for alimony and full custody of her children (born or otherwise) from hubby Charlie Sheen, addictive dads have been put on notice.

See Richards' ninth-place ribbon as one of the world's 100 Sexiest Women (as voted by readers of FHM Taiwan in 2001)! Reenact her groundbreaking dramatic role in Snoop Dogg's music video for "Undercova Funk"! Participate in the panel discussion of "From Bond Girl to Bloatation Device: Losing Weight for That Post-Baby Playboy Spread"!

In the gift shop: First Response Pregnancy Tests; lawyers.