Reason: Everyone's a winner! - Culture and Reviews

ONE STATE'S--AND ONE PERSON'S--LOVE/HATE RELATIONSHIP WITH LEGALIZED GAMBLING--

JUNE 2003: THE GRAND OPENING OF THE TULALIP INDIAN TRIBE'S BRAND NEW CASINO, 30 MILES OR 50 NORTH OF SEATTLE, WA ...

THE "OLD" CASINO WASN'T EVEN ALL THAT OLD, WHICH MAKES THIS PLACE KEEK EVEN MORE OF "WE'RE MAKING SO MUCH MONEY WE DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH IT!"

WOULD YA LOOK AT THAT ...

LOVELY ...

GIVEN ITS NEAR-VEGAS PROPORTIONS, ONE COULD ALMOST IMAGINE THE RAT PACK SASHYING THROUGH ITS DOORS ...

THAT IS, AS LONG AS YOU IGNORED THE BUSLOADS OF SCHLUBBY, LATE-MIDDLE-AGED COUPLES SHUFFLING IN AND OUT INSTEAD.

AS WAS THE CASE WITH PRE-BUGSY SIEGEL LAS VEGAS, WESTERN WASHINGTON'S INDIAN RESERVATIONS USED TO BE ECONOMIC BACKWATERS THAT "OUTSIDERS" USUALLY VISITED ONLY ONCE A YEAR TO LOAD UP ON 4TH OF JULY FIREWORKS.

BUT FOR ANY RESERVATION WITHIN DRVING THE DISTANCE OF A MAJOR CITY, THING WERE ABOUT TO CHANGE DRASTICALLY ...

FIFTEEN YEARS AFTER CONGRESS LIFTED RESTRICTIONS ON GAMBLING ON ALL INDIAN-OWNED LAND, YOU'D NEVER RECOGNIZED THESE PLACES (AT LEAST IN THE PARTS NEAR THE HIGHWAY EXITS)...

THE REMAINING FIREWORKS STANDS NOW SEEM LIKE GRIM MEMORIALS TO THE "BAD OLD DAYS" ...

LIKE ALL GOVERNMENTS EVERYWHERE SINCE THE DAWN OF TIME, WASHINGTON STATE HAS ALWAYS HAD A CONVULATED HISTORY WITH GAMBLING--STARTING RIGHT OFF THE BAT BY BANNING IT ENTIRELY IN ITS 1889 CONSTITUTION, WHICH MUST HAVE BEEN VIRTUALLY UNENFORCABLE BACK THEN!

ALL RIGHT, YOU WAGERIN' SCOFFLAWS! YOU'RE ALL UNDER AR--

I'LL RAISE YOU A HUNNERT' ...

A CENTURY'S WORTH OF RECESSIONS AND BUDGET DEFICITS FORCED THE STATE TO GRADUALLY EASE UP ON GAMBLING RESTRICTIONS. IN '82 IT STARTED ITS OWN STATE-RUN LOTTERY ...

... YA GOTTA BE IN IT TO WIN IT!

FIVE LOTTO TICKETS, PLEASE ... AND A PACK OF SALEMS ...

I'M FEELIN' LUCKY!

WHICH IT SOLD TO THE PUBLIC BY DEDICATING 100% OF THE PROCEEDS GO TO "EDUCATION"--A BALD-FACED LIE THAT LOCAL POLITICIANS CONTINUE TO GET AWAY WITH.

THEN CAME THE NATIONWIDE CASINO EXPLOSION OF 1988, WHEN FULL-FLEDGE GAMBLING OPERATIONS WERE SUDDENLY ALLOWED ON INDIAN RESERVATIONS ...

DIRE PREDICTIONS SOON FOLLOWED: OF "THE MOB" MUSCLING IN; OF NATIVE AMERICANS LOSING THEIR "SOUL"; AND OF THE REST OF US BECOMING HOPELESS GAMBLE-AHOLICS ...

SORRY, "CHIEF," BUT FILTHY INJUNS LIKE YOU ARE BAD FOR BUSINESS.

SIGH ... INJUNS ALWAYS LOSE OUT TO WHITE MAN ...

NONE OF WHICH HAS HAPPENED, THOUGH ANTI-GAMBLING GROUPS--LIKE ALL PROHIBITIONIST--STILL WILL ALWAYS CITE THE EXCEPTIONS THAT (TO THEM) PROVE THE RULE.

THE SUCCESS OF THESE CASINOS PRODUCED INEVITABLE HOWLS OF PROTEST FROM NON-TRIAL TAVERN AND CARD ROOM OWNERS, WHO DEMANDED EQUAL (OR AT LEAST BIGGER) PIECES OF THE GAMING PIE.

YOU GET TO HAVE SLOT MACHINES WHILE I HAVE TO SETTLE FOR FULL TABS?!

WE CONSIDER IT JUST COMPENSATION FOR 500 YEARS OF OPPRESSION AND GENOCIDE ...

OH YEAH? WELL I CALL IT A RIP-OFF!

THIS HAS LEAD TO EVEN MORE EASING OF RESTRICTIONS FOR ALL, AS WELL AS COUNTER HOWLS OF PROTEST BY THE TRIBES.

THE STATE NOW ALLOWS "ENHANCED" CARD ROOMS, WHERE THE PATRONS CAN BET AGAINST THE HOUSE INSTEAD OF JUST EACH OTHER. AS A RESULT, WASHINGTON IS NOW EXPERIENCING A GLUT OF THESE SELF-DESCRIBED "MINI-CASINOS" ...

THESE "MINIS" WOULD LOVE TO BE REAL CASINOS, BUT CONTINUING RESTRICTIONS, ESPECIALLY ON SLOTS, FORCED THEM TO REMAIN PALE. (HA HA) IMITATIONS OF THE TRIBAL PLACES.

THE GRAND OPENING OF THE NEW TULALIP CASINO COINCIDED WITH A VISIT BY MY SISTER AND HER HUSBAND. WHILE MY BRO-IN-LAW AND I WERE TRYING TO THINK OF SOMETHING "TOURISTRY" TO DO, MY NEIGHBOR MADE A SUGGESTION ...

YOU GUYS SHOULD GO TO THAT NEW CASINO! YOU'LL LOVE IT!

I, UH.

YEAH! LET'S GO!

KNOWING A POTENTIAL REASON FEATURE WHEN I HEAR ONE, I AGREED, ALBEIT WITH SOME TREPIDATION ...

THE TRUTH IS, I HAVE A DEEP DISLIKE AND DISDAIN FOR GAMBLING, FUELED IN THE PART BY THE FACT THAT IT'S CAUSED SERIOUS PROBLEMS IN MY OWN FAMILY ...

WHAT DID YOU DO WITH YOUR GRANDPA TODAY, BILLY?

HE GAVE ME $20 TO BET ON A HORSE, BUT I LOST ...

AW JEEZ, MA! MUSTARD SANDWICH AGAIN?

FOR EXAMPLE, MY GREAT-GRANDFATHER PIDDLED AWAY MOST OF HIS FORTUNE AT THE TRACK WHILE HIS OWN SON'S FAMILY LIVED ON MUSTARD AND KETCHUP SANDWHICHES DURING THE DEPRESSION!

I'M ALSO THE WORLD'S WORST CARD PLAYER. NOT ONLY DO I HAVE A GLASS AHEAD. BUT I SPACE OUT EVEN MORE THAN USUAL, IN A VAIN ATTEMPT TO MINIMIZE ALL THE STRESS AND HOSTILITY THAT ARISES WHENEVER FRIENDS GATHER TO CON EACH OTHER OUT OF THEIR MONEY ...

--HEY! I HAD A BETTER HAND THAN YOU!

YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE FOLDED, THEN.

I FOLDED?

OH YEAH, I FORGOT ...

I MIGHT AS WELL SET MY MONEY ON FIRE AS BET IT IN MY OWN GAMBLING PROWESS!

SO NOW I FEEL A SENSE OF PANIC WHENEVER SOMEONE ENCOURAGES ME TO GAMBLE--LIKE WHEN I ACCIDENTALLY WALKED INTO SOME HIGH-STAKES "V.I.P." SUITE AT ONE OF THE INDIAN CASINOS ...

HAVE A SEAT!

THERE'S NOTHING TO BE AFRAID OF!

ARE YOU KIDDING?!

THIS IS THE SCARIEST ROOM I'VE EVER BEEN IN!

AS A RESULT I FOUND MYSELF IN THE ACKWARD POSITION OF TRYING TO WRITE ABOUT GAMBLING WHILE BEING AFRAID TO GAMBLE!

MY-BRO-IN-LAW HAD NO SUCH QUALMS HOWEVER, HE IMPULSIVELY TRIED HIS HAND AT HIGH-TURNOVER "SUCKER" GAMES LIKE "FORTUNE PAI GOW" AND "THREE CARD POKER" AT ONE OF THE MANY MINI-CASINOS WE ALSO HIT THAT DAY ...

?!? I THOUGHT YOU SAID I COULD PUSH--

NO PUSH! SO SOLLY!

ME DEAL CARDS NOW!

TRYING TO LEARN THESE GAMES PROVED TO BE IMPOSSIBLE, THOUGH SINCE THE DEALER KEPT CHAINGING THE RULES ON HIM, AND THEN "FORGET" HOW TO SPEAK ENGLISH WHEN CALLED ON IT.

SENSING TROUBLE, THE MANAGER TRIED TO KEEP THE PEACE BY ENGAGING US IN SMALL TALK. I ASKED HIM IF HIS BUSINESS GENERATED MANY COMPLAINTS FROM THE MOSTLY RESIDENTIAL NEIGHBORHOOD IT WAS LOCATED IN ...

WITH ALL THE MONEY THEY TAKE FROM US, THEY HAVE NOTHING TO COMPLAIN ABOUT ...

THEIR HIGH SCHOOL MARCHING BAND MUST BE SWIMMING IN TUBAS BY NOW!

HE GRUMBLED ABOUT HOW HEAVILY TAXED THEY WERE BY THE LOCALS--UP TO 20% OF THE GROSS!--ALL OF WHICH IS "EARMARKED" FOR EDUCATION, OF COURSE.

AS FOR THAT SLICK NEW INDIAN CASINO ... I DUNNO ... ITS NEWNESS ALONE MAKES IT FEEL AWFULLY STERILE. INSPITE OF ITS SHABBY PATRONS ...

... @# PLACE HAS ALL MY MONEY ...

PLEASE, JESUS ...

CASINOS MAKE FOR GREAT PEOPLE WATCHING, THOUGH THESE "TORNADO TARGETS" ARE HARDLY THE BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE. AS MY FRIEND'S GRADSMA USED TO SAY, THESE FOLKS "LOOK LIKE PEARL HARBOR--ALL SHOT TO HELL!"

TAKE EXHIBIT A, "MR. SLOTS." AT SOME POINT HE HIT ON SOME PATTERN THAT BRIEFLY PAID OFF FOR HIM, AND NOW HE'S GONNA STICK WITH IT UNTIL HIS FINGERFALLS OFF ...

... PLAY TWO LINES, PLAY THREE LINES ... PLAY TWO, PLAY THREE ...

AND HIS "RELAXED" POSE PERFECTLY ILLUSTRATES THE MASTURBATORY NATURE OF VIDEO SLOT PLAYING ...

WAITRESS! GET THIS "PREFERRED CUSTOMER" ANOTHER DRINK!

THEN THERE'S THE GENIUS ODDSMAKER AT THE ROULETTE TABLE, CAREFULLY DISTRIBUTING AN ENTIRE PAYCHECKS WORTH OF CHIPS ALL OVER THE BOARD--4 CHIPS HERE, 6 CHIPS THERE, AS IF IT MAKES ANY DIFFERENCE--THUS INSURING THAT HE'LL BE ROUGHLY BREAKING EVEN ALL DAY ...

LET'S SEE ... I'LL PUT FOUR CHIPS ON 23 ... NO, MAKE THAT FIVE ...

TRUST ME, THERE'S A METHOD TO MY MADNESS ...

HOLD ON, I'M ALMOST READY ...

MEANWHILE, OUTSIDE THE SUN IS SHINING, AND THE BIRDS ARE SINGING.

ALSO ON DISPLAY ARE A LOT OF EXTREME, UNSAVORY TYPES, THE MOST DISTRESSING OFF WHICH ARE THE ADRENALINE-FUELED COMPULSIVES. WHO ARE UNWILLING OR UNABLE TO GET OFF OF THE ROLLER-COASTER RIDE THEY'RE ON ...

I WANTED A SEVEN! DIDN'T YOU HEAR ME?

OOH, IM OUTTA CHIPS ...

WHERE'S MY SEVEN?

SAVE MY SEAT!

IT'S HARD TO GAUGE WHAT DAMAGE, IF ANY, THE GAME OF BLACKJACK IS DOING TO THIS WOMAN'S OVERALL WELL-BEING, BUT IT SURE ISN'T HARD TO IMAGINE THE WORST.

EQUALLY DEPRESSING ARE ALL THE DESPERATE PET "THEORIES" AND SYSTEMS THAT REGULAR GAMBLER ALL SWEAR BY. THESE PEOPLE LOSE NEVER LOSE--OH,NO--NOT AS LONG AS THEY STICK TO THEIR STICK TO THEIR OWN "RULES" ...

... I SAY LEAVE AS SOON AS YOU'RE AHEAD ...

AND GRAB ALL THE FREEBIES YOU CAN ON YOUR WAY OUT THE DOOR ...

IF A NEW "SHOE" SITS DOWN MID GAME, I SPLIT ...

AND IF THE DEALER SHUFFLES AFTER A WINNING HAND I CALL THE MANAGER ...

THESE AREN'T SUPERSTITIONS! THESE ARE FACTS!

IF THESE FOLKS DEVOTED AS MUCH TIME AND ENERGY TO ANY OTHER ENDEAVOR, THEY'D ALL BE HUGE SUCSESSES!

BUT INSPITE OF ALL MY RANTING, IM STILL 100% IN FAVOR OF LEGAL, UNRESTRICTED GAMBLING. PEOPLE HAVE ALWAYS GAMBLED AND ALWAYS WILL, AND THERE'S NOTHING TO BE GAINED BY TRYING TO BAN OR SUPPRESS IT ...

ME BET ME BASH YOUR HEAD IN FIRST--OFF!

YOU LOSE PAY UP!

PLUS I LOVE HAVING ALL THESE SAPS VOLUNTARILY PAYING MORE THAN THEIR FAIR SHARE IN TAXES. THANKS, SAPS! AND DON'T FORGET: IT ALL GOES TOWARD "EDUCATION"!

BY PETER BAGGE 2003 (PETERBAGGE@ EARTHLINK.NET)