Essence: When Mister Perfect isn't Mister Right: you and that `ideal' man seem destined for happily

This man is different. He calls. He picks up the check. Works hard, loves his mama and the Lord. Looks great in jeans or a suit. Makes it to your house on time, makes you laugh 'til you wanna cry, makes your toes curl and then makes you breakfast. Yeah, he's a keeper. And you'll do what it takes to hold on to him because, girl, after Mr. I-know-it's-12:30-A.M.-baby-lemme-come-over, Mr. My-wife-doesn't-understand-me and Mr. Can-I-hold-forty-dollars-'til-payday?--you have finally, finally found Mr. Right.

Or have you? Let's be real. How many girlfriend get-togethers have you been to where the conversation eventually turns to one of your friends who thought she'd found The One, only to realize after too many months or tears that something she hadn't seen coming was now coming between them? Something like his fear of commitment. Like his 24-7 career. His baby's mama. His gambling. His lies. His need to control. His different values or goals for the future. His need for "space." His wife. Yeah, girl, we've all been there.

Even worse, when this so-called Mr. Right is the one who breaks things off, we may never know the reason. Is it something we did? Many a heartbroken sister has spent months of tearful, sleepless nights trying to fill in the blanks. What made him leave? What's wrong with me? Am I destined to be hurt again and again?

But we may be looking at the situation all wrong. The point is, until we learn to take our time, open our eyes and see a man for the flesh-and-blood human being he is, we won't know which position he is truly meant to play in our lives. Lover? Friend? Teacher? Or someone who is perfect--for somebody else? And the real tragedy is, while you're trying so damn hard to squeeze Mr. Right-Now into that soul-mate suit, you may be blinded to the existence of your true beloved.

ANATOMY OF A HEARTBREAK

It's perfect. It's beautiful. It's over. The moment reality hits us, we may feel as if we can't breathe--the pain of lost love is so real. Yet psychologists will tell you that there's no such thing as a broken heart. What we're suffering from is the shattering of an illusion. "Many women come up with a completely unrealistic list of traits they want in a man," says Sonia R. Banks, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist in New York City. "He has to be Mr. Provider, Mr. GQ, a sex god and a power broker all in one." The danger is that once we have created this dream man in our minds, we then try to make every man we date fit that ideal. By focusing only on his good points we often ignore the obvious warning signs that we may actually not be compatible in the long run. "When,you try to bend reality to fit the fantasy," warns Banks, "you're setting yourself up for disappointment."

Sometimes when a romance ends, we're not yet ready to be honest with ourselves about the reasons why. But the sisters whose stories follow found the courage to share their truth in the hope that as they heal from past hurts, they can help others make smarter choices. We've changed their names and some details to protect their privacy.

`HE'S READY FOR COMMITMENT.'

The beginning: LaVetta, now 34, was more than ready to get married when she started dating Maurice, also 34, whom she had first met in high school. "I was 31, I'd just purchased a house and I wanted to settle down and have children," says the Washington, D.C., corrections officer. A refreshing change from the men LaVetta had previously dated, Maurice wasn't put off by her strength and independence. He was ready to make a commitment.

The signs she ignored: After her married girlfriends advised her that the key to a happy marriage was to ignore small differences and focus on the future, she jumped into the union with both feet. "I felt as if I knew what I was getting, and I thought I was willing to overlook certain things." These "things" included Maurice and her having different religious beliefs--he was a nonpracticing Muslim; she was a devout Christian. LaVetta also paid no mind to Maurice's not having a great relationship with his mother, although she and her mother are very close. And finally, Maurice was heavily involved with his college friends, almost to the point where he spent more time with them than he did with her.

Just because you and your man have in common a desire to be married doesn't mean you're compatible, says Gayle K. Porter, Psy.D., a clinical psychologist and coauthor of Prime Time: The African-American Woman's Complete Guide to Midlife Health and Wellness (Ballantine). "Before you even start talking marriage, you both need to figure out if you can reach common ground in the major areas," she says. These include religious and family values, lifestyle, children, money, your sense of community. "You can't assume that your partner's attitudes will change," she warns.

Things fall apart: After less than a year of marriage, LaVetta realized the "minor" differences were too great to ignore. The couple filed for divorce. She now realizes that "when people say you have to overlook certain things, they're talking about whether or not he puts the cap back on the toothpaste. I overlooked his basic character and values as well as my own needs. We had absolutely nothing in common."

`HE'LL TAKE GOOD CARE OF ME.'

The beginning: Tracey, 26, a third-year law student, was thrilled when Keith, then 42, and a police officer, asked her to move in after they'd been dating for a year. "He was charming, confident, well-spoken," Tracey, now 31, remembers. "Plus, he was good with money. While I had accumulated debt paying for law school, he owned two houses, stocks and bonds. He didn't even ask me to help pay the mortgage."

The signs she ignored: Tracey gave Keith the benefit of the doubt when his "ex-girlfriend" showed up at his house at 5:00 A.M., banging on the door, honking the horn and waking the neighbors. "I believed Keith when he told me she was crazy," she says. "I wanted to feel loved, and he took care of me."

Things fall apart: Tracey not only stayed with him for four years as the number of "crazy exes" nearly reached double figures, but she also defended him to friends who noted how miserable she looked. According to Banks, when we're in such deep denial we choose to ignore the signs our man is two-timing us, we're in effect saying," `I do see he is cheating on me, but I can't let go of this fantasy,'" Banks says. "We may be in pain but we're not ready to face up to it yet."

Though Keith had undermined Tracey's self-confidence by constantly reminding her how lucky she was to have him, after four years Tracey finally realized she would be crazy if she continued to put up with his emotional abuse. She packed her bags.

`HE'S TOO GOOD TO PASS UP,'

The beginning: When Monique and Martin met in San Antonio, the then--29-year-old single mother was nearly finished putting herself through school and earning her degree in psychology. He was an ambitious law student who was also generous. "He was attentive, a good lover and a complete gentleman," says Monique, now 32. "We had been dating almost six months when he told me he wanted to marry me and raise my 3-year-old son, Jordan, as his own. It was everything a single mom wants to hear."

The signs she ignored: Martin wanted to marry her and adopt her son within a year, while Monique wanted to finish her degree and establish her career first. Even though she had misgivings about her man's timetable for their future, she never addressed them because he represented emotional and financial security--everything she thought she wanted in a partner. "When you're a single mother you come as a package deal," explains Monique. "I really believed I'd found a man who understood that." Then one Mother's Day, Martin invited both sets of parents to brunch and made a big fuss for weeks afterward about how he had footed the bill. Though Monique began to suspect that Martin was controlling about money, again she chose not to bring it up.

Things fall apart: The security--financial and otherwise--that Monique was seeking came at a steep price: Martin's plans to take financial responsibility for Jordan in the near future made him rush to play the father figure sooner than Monique thought he had the right. Along with his timetable, he had some very specific ideas about how a child should be raised. The only problem: Jordan wasn't his son yet. One day Martin chastised Monique for giving Jordan candy, telling her about a friend who wouldn't let his daughters eat sweets.

"He actually said to me, `I'm not going to be saddled with a bunch of high dentist bills.'" Monique was livid. "Martin thought he could discipline my child just because he spent $50 on him at Old Navy," says Monique. Once she saw that his love came with purse strings attached, she realized that for all his good points, Martin wasn't the one for her. "Some women say, `I want a man to be financially stable and secure, someone who can help me if I need help,'" says Banks. "But that's not a boyfriend, that's a loan officer. If financial security is what you want, you need to learn how to get it for yourself."

`HE'S GOT GREAT POTENTIAL.'

The beginning: Michelle, 44, and Derrick, 29, worked in the same Atlanta insurance office and maintained a friendly relationship long before they ever went out. "On the first date, it was as if we'd known each other forever," says Michelle. Derrick was fun, easygoing and game to try new things. "He was an around-the-way guy you could take to a museum. I thought, Eureka! He's what I'm looking for," she remembers.

The signs she ignored: A few months into the relationship, Derrick found himself deep in debt and got evicted from his apartment. He moved back home with his mother, who herself was financially and emotionally strapped since Derrick's stepfather had recently walked out on her. In short, Derrick had drama. As his financial and family woes grew, Derrick began to call less often and distanced himself from the relationship. Michelle was determined to hang on, repeatedly offering to help him over this "rough patch," even as it stretched out over months. But the more Michelle tried to help, the more Derrick withdrew. "He came right out and told me, `I'm not boyfriend material right now,'" recalls Michelle. "Instead of realizing that he wanted to end it, all I could think was, If I could help him solve his problems, everything would be wonderful."

Things fall apart: Clearly Derrick saw at the time what she was unwilling to: They couldn't partner as equals. Believing you can fix your man's life and single-handedly build a perfect relationship with him is unrealistic. When you see him as a fixer-upper, says Banks, "what you're really saying is, `I have so much to give. If I could help him reach his potential, he would be wonderful.' But potential is just that. It's not a guarantee."

LOVE AND HAPPINESS--AT LAST

It takes time to determine if that guy who looks so great on paper is someone with whom you can build a future. "Women need to drop the notion of finding the perfect man," says Porter. "He doesn't exist." But when you open your eyes and your mind as well as your heart, you could eventually find that your true love does exist. He may be someone who may not seem perfect, but who's perfectly suited to you.

Denise, a 27-year-old account manager at a New York City public-relations firm, had gone out a few times with Joe when she started getting restless. "Joe was a nice guy, clean-cut, hardworking, well educated," says Denise. "He wasn't as exciting as the guys I usually fell for, so I decided to keep him as a friend while I looked around for someone better." But after four months of dating Robert, a hip-hop-loving stockbroker with anger-management issues, Denise realized that all the qualities that made Joe a good friend--he was gentle, kind and thoughtful--also made him a great boyfriend.

"Joe was the man I needed," says Denise. "But I thought love came with pain, and he didn't bring me any, so I'd written him off." The more Denise thought about how she always fell for guys like Robert, while passing up good men like Joe, the more she felt really drawn to Joe. "During my commute to work one morning, I kept thinking about Joe," recalls Denise. "And when I walked out of the train station, I almost literally ran into him."

The two made plans to catch up over lunch, and two months later they became a couple. "That was two years ago and we're still together," says Denise. "I learned that if a man hurts your heart and makes you feel bad about yourself, he doesn't deserve your love or your time. Life's too valuable to be wasted on false positives."

Gwen Davis has found her Mr. Right.

IS IT TIME TO LET GO?

According to psychologist Sonia R. Banks, Ph.D., if you answer yes to any of these questions, it might be time to give up the man you thought was The One: Have you spent the past six months thinking about what your life would be like without him, and did the thought make you feel lighter, freer? Have you gotten to the point where the relationship interferes with your daily functioning? Are you fantasizing about other men? Have you made at least five serious attempts to talk about your relationship--without arguments--and haven't gotten anywhere?

Of course, breaking up is hard to do. Banks suggests taking these steps:

* Schedule a talk with him. "You need to say, `I am struggling with this relationship, and my needs are not being met,'" advises Banks. He may become angry, withdraw or agree to work with you to find a solution. If it's time to leave, you'll know it and be better equipped to do so.

* Reconnect with yourself. Start going to more social events, go back to church or sorority meetings. Do the things you gave up after you met him. The point is to stop making him the center of your life. Doing this for at least 30 days is key, says Banks, because "often when women break up with a man, they have no life to go to and no way to make themselves happy, so they end up right back with him."

* Seek out support. A therapist or counselor can help you work through your own issues and clarify your needs, giant steps along the path to getting the love you deserve.