Psychology Today: Love letters

Editor's Note: My June editorial, "Editor as Guinea Pig: Putting Love to a Real Test," continues to generate considerable interest. Here are some recent comments--R.E.

What are you running from, and whom are you trying to fool? Is it possible to start gambling knowing you will win everything without losing it all? Many of those marriages you talked about in your editorial survive because they are based on realities common to those groups of people. It is the pressure of society that makes the institution function (or so it appears from the outside) in the majority of the cases, and how it started does not matter much.

M.
West Palm Beach, FL

I read a Baltimore Sun article about your search for Miss Right. The woman featured in the article is 15 years younger than you. I am curious: Are you only interested in "falling in love" with younger women? Do you consider that a mature approach to relationships?

J. Woytowitz
Via e-mail

Maybe the concept of learning to fall in love is not that farfetched. I married a man I was hopelessly in love with. The marriage was a disaster. This is a study I plan to follow with keen interest. This could be the next wave in successful relationships.

C.T.
Jacksonville, FL

Here's the problem with your experiment: You really won't be proving anything unless you start out with two people who have no initial physical "spark." If you pick someone you're physically attracted to, and who is physically attracted to you as well, then all bets are off. Because, of course, the odds are good that love will bloom. So you really should pick a compatible plain-Jane.

Martha Craumer
Cambridge, MA

Kudos to Robert Epstein for his insightful and clever approach to finding love again. I wish him much happiness and look forward to hearing more. The woman who marries him will surely be loved for life. And with his philosophy, he should be successful this time.

Andrea Miller
Williamsburg, VA

I read about your experiment in the Denver Post and was intrigued enough to look at the magazine and read your editorial. I find these days that men expect to fall in love instantly, or think they can find a perfect match "on paper." So they do not spend time dating anyone, which is needed to develop strong feelings and to address potential obstacles to a meaningful, committed relationship.

K.F.
Lakewood, CO

I am writing to inform you of my mother. My mother asked me to do this. My mother, like you, is divorced and has often wondered if people really fall in love or can learn to love. My mom has wondered if arranged marriages would work in the U.S. I believe that she may be the perfect candidate. In the ways of Indian tradition, I will play the role of father and determine if an arranged marriage should proceed. I certainly would not want my mother to get into a relationship that would not be in her best interest.

Erin Wilson
Via e-mail

When I opened your editorial, I was drawn to your daring, loving experiment. Your positive energy and willingness to risk something new inspired me to write to you. You are truly embarking on Goethe's journey: "Whatever you can do, or dream you can do, begin it. Boldness has genius, power and magic in it." If you have "found" your co-author/co-experimenter, I wish you safe and rich travels together. Your boldness has spread to me, and I thank you for that gift.

C.F.
Blue Jay, CA

Where do you stand on the issue of monogamy? Your model of marriage suggests that passion is not important. So, is it acceptable, then, in the structure you suggest, for couples to pursue passion or sex outside of their practical relationship? In some non-Western cultures it is acceptable, especially for men.

Clare Kelly
Via e-mail

Your supposition that anyone can learn to love someone else is intriguing. For the type of love you are talking about, I think it's important to have very close IQs. Could I learn to love someone who is 30 points below me? I don't think any amount of counseling could achieve that result. And could I learn to love someone of my intellect who has severe emotional issues? Maybe I could by seeing it from a very clinical angle, but why would I want to?

Vicki Williams
Via e-mail