Electronic Gaming Monthly: Gamerscopes

Aquarius

(Jan. 21-Feb. 19)

I hear a lot of things, Aquarius. Naughty, nice, I’ve got lists about you that would make Santa even ruddier-faced than usual. One of your big secrets is going to come out this month—what will it be? Your shameful preference for Digimon over Pokmon? Perhaps you bought your Gundam collection preassembled? Either way, nerds are going to point and laugh and then readjust their glasses.

Pisces

(Feb. 20-Mar. 20)

Stop me if you’ve already tried this, but have you considered looking at 2D shoot-em-ups like Gradius and R-Type as a metaphor for life? Because it totally works. You can’t go backward, you’re constantly under assault by aliens from all sides...OK, so there are a couple kinks, but I think we have more than enough here to base a cult around, if not a full-fledged religion. Declare yourself Final Boss and run with it.

Aries

(Mar. 21-Apr. 20)

Steer clear of the survival-horror games for a while—especially Silent Hill 4: The Room. What with your budding case of agoraphobia, Hill’s you’re-locked-in-your-apartment-but-oh-crap-there’s-a-portal-to-hell-in-the-bathroom premise just might push you over the edge. Renowned homebody and Final Fantasy summon Ifrit knows exactly where you’re coming from; you two should start a support group.

Taurus

(Apr. 21-May 21)

You know how playing Dance Dance Revolution for exercise (rather than arcade bragging rights) has turned into some kind of nationwide phenom-enon? Well it has. As a trailblazer and tastemaker, I’m looking in your direction to start a new craze, Taurus. I’m just blue-skying it here, but I’m thinking maybe EyeToy jumping jacks or Steel Battalion controller step aerobics. Something that will require you to wear great swathes of Lycra.

Gemini

(May 22-June 21)

No more retro-cool videogame shirts from Hot Topic. I’m sorry. As a geek culture icon, Mega Man needs his rest. Another thing that needs a rest is the slavish collection of action figures, particularly the bondage-zombies-from-outer-space-type crap. If you own any, they should be destroyed with professional-grade fireworks. Also, consider playing Crash Twinsanity but ultimately decide against it. I’m glad we had this stern talking-to.

Cancer

(June 22-July 22)

Hope you’ve been savin’ up—the next few months are going to leave your wallet abused and sad. Not just because of all the big titles coming out, but because you’re going to develop a compulsive videogame gambling addiction. Whether you’re betting on who can dress the cutest pony in Barbie Horse Adventures or who’s the best Bubble Bobble-er, you’re gonna be a big loser.

Leo

(July 23-Aug. 21)

Time to let out your inner entrepreneur, Leo. Unfortunately or fortunately, the videogame industry has no equivalent to Ron Popeil’s amazing Food Dehydrator, or even the Salad Shooter. I don’t know how or why, but I’m relying on you to fix this glaring problem. Gamers need labor-saving devices, too, not to mention late-night infomercials hosted by English-men. Hulk-themed Xbox controllers just aren’t crappy enough for me anymore.

Virgo

(Aug. 22-Sept. 23)

Looks like Venus is in your third house, Virgo—small children and squeamish adults should avert their eyes, because it’s about to get ugly. The cosmos officially hates you right now (try not to take it personally, but I also feel a mild dislike toward you at the moment), so expect just about everything to go wrong. Erased memory cards, dirty-disc errors, renting Burnout 3 and finding the Beaches DVD inside the case....

Libra

(Sept. 24-Oct. 23)

Big Lady Trouble coming your way, Libra, when your sports-game lingo starts slipping into everyday life. Drop an “end around” or “trickled through the five hole” at an indelicate moment, and you may land straight in the penalty box. Sometimes it pays to like more obscure sports like dressage or jai alai—if you spout off about them, no one will know what the hell you’re talking about. Now go play with your chic chac.

Scorpio

(Oct. 24-Nov. 22)

Unlike the Department of Homeland Security, I have some very specific threat information for you, Scorp. Your long-dormant Star Wars love is about to come rushing back in, oh, say, about four weeks from now. You may even find yourself holding bargain-bin copies of Obi-Wan (XB) and Masters of the Teras Kasi (PS1), thinking, “Maybe these aren’t so bad.” Do yourself a solid and write some Star Wars fan fiction instead.

Sagittarius

(Nov. 23-Dec. 22)

I know you’ve been secretly pulling for a “mature” Link, Sag, and from what I’ve heard about the next Zelda game, your dreams will come true. But you’re not getting any younger—how long before you start championing comb-over Link and bum-knee Link? When a tube of Bengay becomes a primo power-up, maybe it’s time to hang up the hat and booties. Don’t make your beloved game characters follow you into the twilight.

Capricorn

(Dec. 23-Jan. 20)

I suggest you adopt a very strong antirobot stance, Cap. Maybe I was just dazzled by Will Smith’s star turn in I, Robot (also known as Yo, Robot in Mexico), but I really feel someone needs to step up and get the antirobot movement rolling. Our own Seanbaby has long been a critic of our metal friends, but he’s an ideas guy. You’re an action guy. Boycott all robot-intensive games and wear a “Kill all robots” sandwich board in public.