Sporting News, The: How do you spell APR? C-h-e-a-t: so the NCAA has this grand plan for academic re

Listen up, kiddies. We begin class today with a talk on academic reform. You know, the pie-in-the-sky ideal that has coaches from all over swallowing hard and learning the value of politically correct speech.

But first, I want to be sure you know who is running the show.

Rick Neuheisel 1, NCAA 0.

What did Neuheisel's lawsuit against the NCAA have to do with academic reform, you ask? Nothing.

And everything.

Academic reform won't be successful because those steering the NCAA ship are the most ill-informed, illogical group of misfits in sports. I mean, really. How poorly prepared must that group be if it can't protect the foundation of what it stands for?

Neuheisel gambled, the NCAA's unspeakable sin. I don't care that he gambled, or care about what rhetoric each side spouted. The bottom line is the NCAA stumbled all over itself in a court of law and wound up paying $2.5 million in damages to Neuheisel--then blamed the judicial system.

How's that for leadership? When you lose, blame someone else.

Now the head of this organization, president Myles Brand, proudly says academic reform is the most important step ever taken for the sanctity of universities and sports programs. Even gave his fancy new program a name (Academic Progress Rate) with an ominous-sounding acronym. Soon enough, we'll begin every spring football camp talking about a program's APR and if a school stands to lose scholarships because a certain number of athletes have not met the progress requirement.

Once more now on Mr. Neuheisel: The University of Washington didn't understand the NCAA's gambling rules, and the NCAA didn't understand its own rules about gambling investigations. Yet both tried to punish Neuheisel for not knowing or abiding by those rules.

And the NCAA suddenly is going to reinvent academic progress? Even Florida athletic director Jeremy Foley, one of the nation's most prominent administrators, admits the APR "is a complex system that still is being evaluated."

An athlete must have 40 percent of his degree requirement fulfilled after two years, 60 percent after three and 80 percent after four. If a team doesn't reach the same standards as a group, scholarships will be forfeited.

OK, breathe deep, everyone--here's where it gets tricky. This process is an open invitation to cheat. Athletes cheating, coaches cheating, professors cheating. All in the name of keeping players eligible, winning games and making money. And you better believe it will happen.

The NCAA already opened the door in high schools with a "sliding scale," allowing athletes to offset low SAT scores by achieving higher grade-point averages. Now we have high school athletes with the GPA of an honor student and the SAT score of a sea bass. You don't think there's cheating going on?

So now athletes who can't do the work are enrolled at universities whose coaches must get them to meet APR requirements or lose scholarships--which leads straight to losing games.

Instead of reforming the system, the NCAA has thrown it in reverse.

But, son of a gun, they got rid of that cheat Neuheisel.

speed read

Ohio State's athletic department is giving 20-page brochures to season-ticket holders. The brochures include definitions of a booster and a prospect. Here's a novel idea: Tell Buckeyes players to stop holding out their hands.

INSIDE DISH

The next phase of the college football arms race: escalating salaries for assistant coaches. Assistants used to work on one-year contracts with no security. Now many vare signing two- or three-year deals, some reaching the salary level of a few mid-major head coaches. LSU offensive coordinator Jimbo Fisher recently signed a three-year deal worth $1.2 million, and defensive coordinator Reggie Herring left N.C. State for a three-year deal at Arkansas for just under $1 million. * Wisconsin is so thin at guard, it might move C Donovan Raiola, one of the Big Ten's best linemen. If heralded freshman Andy Kemp can lock down a guard position this spring--he has enrolled early after graduating from high school in December--the Badgers will be able to keep Raiola where he belongs. * Air Force coach Fisher DeBerry took some pressure off QB Shaun Carney by moving backups Adam Fitch (halfback) and Andy Gray (free safety) to different positions this spring. Carney played well as a freshman last season but admitted to being uncomfortable because he was worried he'd be pulled. Watch how the Air Force offense, which returns all five line starters, blossoms because of Carney's confidence. * New Mississippi coach Ed Orgeron says his starting quarterback likely will be Micheal Spurlock or Robert Lane--not Ethan Flatt, who started nine games last year. The new staff likes Spurlock's escapability--with that offensive line, he'll need it--and Lane's pocket presence. * Although Ben Olson continues to throw well in spring practice, UCLA coach Karl Dorrell insists the quarterback job is incumbent Drew Olson's to lose. Don't bet on it. Unless Drew Olson makes a remarkable recovery from reconstructive knee surgery, the Bruins will start Ben Olson (no relation) in September.

mhayes@sportingnews.com